bullybones

We now interrupt our regularly-scheduled programming to bring you a cautionary tale about your twin buddies eBay and Pay“Pal”, and how they turn on you when the going gets rough. Very much like the American government, they behave in an extremely refined and civilized manner, but God help you if you haven’t read the fine print. My manner is not quite so refined, and this post may contain some strong language that might be offensive to our younger or more effete readers. Be forewarned.

Our story begins when I was foolish enough to purchase a 4-gigabyte no-name mp3 player on eBay from a merchant in Hong Kong. The merchant had dozens of identical mp3 players listed on eBay, and his seller feedback was 100% positive at the time I made my purchase, with 98 sales to his credit at that time. His ad oozed with unctuous concern for my customer satisfaction. And best of all, the ad proclaimed that I was protected by PayPal Buyer Protection, free coverage up to 500 British pounds! When I won the item for a price of 26 British pounds (a little over $52.00), I was pretty happy. Even when the item took almost a month to arrive, my enthusiasm was relatively undiminished.

Then I opened the package. All of the parts were there. But the manual, while technically in English, was utterly incomprehensible. Here’s an example from one of the introductory bullet points:

• Break to order to sow continuously: Broadcast the stop hour remembers to broadcast the position, the some song orders to a time while broadcast the some catalogue up is shut down, switch on after then park the last time of time order, Play after order to start broadcast from now on.

As you can see, I was left very much on my own.

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Why I am writing to you about relationships

First things first, just like anything else worth having there is no magical, wiggle your nose, rub on a bottle, special answer to a lasting relationship. What works for one couple may or may not work for the next. Relationships are perhaps one of the most mystical things since Adam and Eve. This would explain the massive quantities of information available on this topic. So why am I writing about this? I really couldn’t say: maybe because I value my relationship over anything in my life. Maybe it is because of the countless times I have spent with a good friend, male or female, drinking a cold beverage, over barely touched chips, and slowly burning cigarette butts trying to console or just make sense of the relationship that friend is in… in the end I have decided that I am at least a good listener and I have certainly given out my fair share of advice. They say teaching is the best way to learn in the end I have decided that I might actually be good now enough to share. I will start with my own experiences.

Early Days: What I know from experience

Like many from the late 70’s on, I am the child of a divorced couple. DIVORCE before that time was almost unthinkable. I really think as a nation we need to get back to that time, but that bridge has already been burned. At seventeen I married my high school sweetheart in a courthouse, justice of the peace, wedding because my mother couldn’t fathom the idea of her little girl living in sin. My very jaded, but loving father, on the other hand, thought that I should live in sin and see just what all this relationship business was about. He didn’t learn about the courthouse wedding until a year later after he paid for the church, flowers, bridesmaids, dinners, etc. A year later when my high school sweetheart and I could no longer bear the sight of our once too sexy selves, my father imbibed large amounts of cheap beer as I announced my intentions to file for divorce and head for the city of Angels (the magical cure which remember doesn’t exist).

After a year of LA, I humbly drug myself home on a Greyhound bus and pitifully ask pops for a job. He cautiously agreed and all was well, until… until my work mate decided to hook me up with this really cute foreign guy. NO, two simple letters, was never good enough for Bijan, because I said “NO”, emphatically. Yet, he slyly arranged a date, and with the same craftiness somehow weaseled his way into my life, and before I knew it we were shacking up, as the old folks called it. We had some sort of marriage ceremony that is recognized in his culture, but basically amounted to nothing. He was abusive, controlling, mentally unbalanced, a drug user, and almost impossible to escape. Two years of counseling later he lost his grip, and I slowly regained mine. There were a couple of bumps along the way. One resulted in my beautiful, wonderful son, so it is all good.

Today, marks nearly 18 years of harmonious, yet realistic years of fun, frolicking and fighting with my Skooter. When I look back, I am not sure how it happened, but I think I have some ideas. These ideas along with those of my dear friends on Xanga I am going to share with you.

Before I give my advice:

These are the things that you said were most important to a relationship. I think you will find these to be characteristics we all agree on. It is amazing that no matter what walk of life we come from we all believe the same things to be true… Here they are in no particular order.

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I hate it when I can not depend on the people closest to me to come through for me. As some of you know that read my blog J and I have a pretty good thing going on. BUT… he is still a man and there are such huge differences between men and women that these very differences are bound to work their way into even our relationship. In my opinion… men are brain damaged and there is not a damn thing we can do about it. Over time we learn how to redirect some of their thought processes to other parts of there brain therein “training” them. However, as you girls know, they are just funda”mentally” aliens.

Did I mention they are also psychic? As I am writing this and generally every time I am writing or thinking intensely about him he calls… Jesus Christ! My phone is ringing and it is him – I swear to god! See! I am upgrading men to psychic aliens.

“What are ya doing?” he said in a very curious tone. Somehow he knows I am talking about him! Oh well.

What’s the big attraction to these aliens? Well we all know the answer to that. Their wallets and what ever else in their pants we find interesting and/or exciting. Yeah I know, there is much more to a relationship than that! If J and I never did anything but touch each other life would be perfect. I can picture it in my head so clearly. Candle’s, rose petal’s, bubble bath’s, massage’s, romantic dinner’s, jewelry. But who thinks of these things most of the time? How many of you have had to plant one or more of these ideas in your man’s head? Whether it was via an advertisement you left lying around, a vague comment added in the middle of a sentence for subliminal affect, having a friend mention something to him when it is getting close to a special occasion…

You get the picture. We do it – but every once in awhile these mysterious aliens take us off guard and actually surprise us with an idea that was all their own.

Actually J is really good about the romantic stuff. Loves candle’s, offers massage’s, poetry etc. He is also a great communicator when he wants to be. This is key. Our relationship rule is to always spill your guts. Keep the other person informed. Throughout our relationship his communication skills have been sporadic. Not coming home for dinner the other night and calling me at midnight to see if it is still ok to come home is one example. This is inconsiderate and just WRONG! This is not what has me ranting about him and men in general though. It gets worse!

So here is what happened…

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Everyone is concerned about their weight. Don’t lie. You know you worry about it, at least once in awhile. Some of you may be like me, horribly out of shape. Unless you count “round” as a shape.

Every day we’re bombarded with advertisements for diets. Warnings about getting fat. Inspirational stories from women who went from a size 4 to a size 0. Take these pills, eat this special diet food, buy this expensive exercise gadget. Of course, these commercials are interspersed with McDonald’s commercials. I’m lovin’ it, aren’t you?

Now, I’ve been fat all my life. I was doing Slim-Fast at age 12 (and again at 25 and 30), Weight Watchers at 16, Dexatrim at 17. My most recent thing has been one of those online calorie counting sites, SparkPeople. It’s a great site because not only do you get to count calories, they provide a personalized exercise plan and all the support you could ask for via message boards. They also have articles on different health and diet issues, as well as recipes. I highly recommed this site. It helped me lose 20 pounds. But those pounds are back. Time for a new approach.

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Uncontained and unrestrained, gangs have spread like a cancer across America. Point of origin: Los Angeles, California, the gangs encrust that city like scabs. Their motto is: Blood in, blood out, meaning they must commit a bloody crime to get in and the only way they get out is to die. These gangs may recruit young school children for lifelong service. A recent TV documentary disclosed that the spread through out the U.S. continues even as far as South America. These gangs are purportedly controlled by inmates in high security prisons here.

They kingpin multiple groups and crimes. Some are internal within the prison system, taking out members of their own gang and others. Many gang wars lead to heinous acts such as death by beheading. They may also include the dismemberment of the victims’ genitalia which are then fed to the dogs. Guess which one comes first. Gangs have become so plentiful that they extend through out the continental contiguous states but into Washington. Viva La Raza, loosely translated, long-live the Race has become more than a rallying call for racial pride but a virtual war cry. Many believe that the southwest was stolen from Mexico and actually belongs to them.

Not only do the bosses control drugs and life and death from prison cells, but they operate with impunity all across this country. One informant, now dead, claimed that no one in these gangs is safe from retribution if the leaders think that they are acting against their considerable powers. This girl was killed on orders from these gangsters. She was led to a riverbank on the pretest of fishing by her compadres. It is this corruption of morality, this organized crime community which is the greatest fear of the illegal aliens. These are many of the border infiltrators, not families looking for a better life. They are often men who have left their families behind.
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I’m dyslexic. Yeah, go ahead, laugh…I know a lot of people will joke about themselves if they’ve made a typo or spelled something incorrectly, saying they must be dyslexic…but it’s true, I really am. I remember it being really difficult learning to read and write. I struggled so much, and I was embarrassed that I wasn’t as good at reading and writing as my other classmates. First grade was a nightmare! I always tried my best, but I still remember the horror of sitting at my desk, pondering which direction to write each letter and in what order. It didn’t matter how long I sat…I got it wrong. Back then (you know, in the prehistoric Stone Age time) there wasn’t a formal name for the learning disability…people with this “problem” were usually labeled slow and were packed up and shipped to the “slow learners” class. I don’t know what tipped my mother off to this issue I was having, but I vaguely remember a teacher’s conference and papers being brought home.

My mother showed me the papers, red marks all over them. I just shrugged my shoulders and got tears in my eyes. I wasn’t getting teary because I thought I was in trouble, though – I felt helpless. I just wasn’t getting it. She hugged me and told me to brush my teeth and get ready for bed.

The next day after school I was given my usual snack and then my mother told me we were going to sit down and talk. She sat down next to me and said, “I know you might feel like you’re stupid because you don’t know how to write or read very well right now, but you’re not stupid. I used to have the same thing happen to me when I was your age, and we’re going to work on this until you can do it with confidence.” I was pleased. I had no reason to doubt her - - much - - I mean I knew she was smart, but I just wasn’t sure how I was going to pull this off. It did seem impossible. Read the rest of this entry »