bullybones

Why I am writing to you about relationships

First things first, just like anything else worth having there is no magical, wiggle your nose, rub on a bottle, special answer to a lasting relationship. What works for one couple may or may not work for the next. Relationships are perhaps one of the most mystical things since Adam and Eve. This would explain the massive quantities of information available on this topic. So why am I writing about this? I really couldn’t say: maybe because I value my relationship over anything in my life. Maybe it is because of the countless times I have spent with a good friend, male or female, drinking a cold beverage, over barely touched chips, and slowly burning cigarette butts trying to console or just make sense of the relationship that friend is in… in the end I have decided that I am at least a good listener and I have certainly given out my fair share of advice. They say teaching is the best way to learn in the end I have decided that I might actually be good now enough to share. I will start with my own experiences.

Early Days: What I know from experience

Like many from the late 70’s on, I am the child of a divorced couple. DIVORCE before that time was almost unthinkable. I really think as a nation we need to get back to that time, but that bridge has already been burned. At seventeen I married my high school sweetheart in a courthouse, justice of the peace, wedding because my mother couldn’t fathom the idea of her little girl living in sin. My very jaded, but loving father, on the other hand, thought that I should live in sin and see just what all this relationship business was about. He didn’t learn about the courthouse wedding until a year later after he paid for the church, flowers, bridesmaids, dinners, etc. A year later when my high school sweetheart and I could no longer bear the sight of our once too sexy selves, my father imbibed large amounts of cheap beer as I announced my intentions to file for divorce and head for the city of Angels (the magical cure which remember doesn’t exist).

After a year of LA, I humbly drug myself home on a Greyhound bus and pitifully ask pops for a job. He cautiously agreed and all was well, until… until my work mate decided to hook me up with this really cute foreign guy. NO, two simple letters, was never good enough for Bijan, because I said “NO”, emphatically. Yet, he slyly arranged a date, and with the same craftiness somehow weaseled his way into my life, and before I knew it we were shacking up, as the old folks called it. We had some sort of marriage ceremony that is recognized in his culture, but basically amounted to nothing. He was abusive, controlling, mentally unbalanced, a drug user, and almost impossible to escape. Two years of counseling later he lost his grip, and I slowly regained mine. There were a couple of bumps along the way. One resulted in my beautiful, wonderful son, so it is all good.

Today, marks nearly 18 years of harmonious, yet realistic years of fun, frolicking and fighting with my Skooter. When I look back, I am not sure how it happened, but I think I have some ideas. These ideas along with those of my dear friends on Xanga I am going to share with you.

Before I give my advice:

These are the things that you said were most important to a relationship. I think you will find these to be characteristics we all agree on. It is amazing that no matter what walk of life we come from we all believe the same things to be true… Here they are in no particular order.

Compromise and Focus

Respect and Understanding

Communication and the ability to listen

Honesty and Integrity

Tolerance and Patience

Acceptance and Forgiveness

Humor and Laughter

Forget the Drama

Young people watch too much television… sorry guys, but you do. I was guilty of the same thing. There is no fairy tale marriage, in our days it was Lucy and Ricky… younger people have countless bad examples to look at. The cutest guy does not always make the best husband and visa versa. Forget what you see on television. Be prepared for the good, the bad, the ugly and then the disappointment. That being said, it is your job to bring glamour to your relationship. Surprise and spontaneity are wonderful things and you don’t have to be rich to have these things. Surprise your partner… be creative. Most people prefer heartfelt gestures more than store bought material substitutes. Pick wildflowers, write a poem, go on a picnic, girls watch the game with your guy, guys take your gal to the flea market and pick up some silly little sentimental what not. Then go home to the apartment that fits your budget and pretend like you are at the Ritz Carlton.

Forgive yourself, forgive your partner

We are human and once we realize this it empowers us to make mistakes and forgive ourselves. It is this that allows us to get up the next day and go back out into the world. The people we live with are human also. We must be willing to forgive. When we are no longer willing to forgive the relationship is over. It is broken and can not be fixed. Sadly, some will quickly use this as a crutch, burdening their partner forever with guilt. If you just don’t like the person anymore, forgive them and then say goodbye. Don’t make that person live with the guilt over and over again when in reality you are the person with issues. There are very few sins which can not be forgiven. Most relationships can be saved with a little introspection and forgiveness. If you are unwilling to forgive then the relationship will fester like an open wound and become ugly and horrid. To err is human to forgive is divine.

Be Friends

This is a really important one. When I look at elderly couples who still have fun, what I see at the heart of their relationship is friendship. Beauty, health, wealth all these things are fleeting, so in the end, you better be with someone you can laugh with and someone you can cry with. When looking for that perfect husband or wife we are so often drawn to physical and monetary gain that we overlook our true soul mates, our friends, and the people that are willing to stick by us when we hit an icy patch. Find someone who is your friend and build a relationship from there. It should not be the other way around. If you are marrying because you have nabbed the hottest girl or the handsomest guy be prepared for disappointment. Unfortunately, stupid shows like the Bachelor have taught us otherwise.

Don’t Quit

This goes back to what I said earlier. Our grandparents rarely thought of divorce. It just wasn’t acceptable. Consequently they learned to get along. My grandparents shared seperate bedrooms the last years of their lives because of snoring, but never was a person more heartbroken than my grandmother when my grandfather died.

I am in no way advocating that you stay in an abusive relationship. I am saying that we toss the word abuse around very lightly these days. If you are in danger, if your children are in danger then you may be in an abusive relationship. If you had an argument before work and you both said mean and hateful things… who is the abuser? You made a commitment for better or worse and falling out of love is not abuse. There are many days when I don’t love my partner. There are also days when I don’t love my brother, and even days when I don’t love my son, but I can’t divorce them. They are family. So is the person you married. So just because the relationship isn’t attractive to you anymore, just because you have lost that “loving feeling”, just because the sex is not good anymore you want to leave? Think again is this abuse? or is it you just seeking for answers in all the wrong places. You need to work on your relationship. Nobody said it was going to be easy.

Famous Final Last Words

Okay, I really have no famous final last words, but I would like to remind you of a few we have all said…

I love you forever
Til Death do us Part
You make my Heart Sing
I Do
For Better or Worse

That’s it for now.
Peace, Love and Energy,
Tricia

If you have a bad day, don’t take it out on the one you love. They wish your day was better too.

~ BB61

At a point in my life when I had perhaps forgotten who I was, my wife saw me for who I was, not for who I pretended to be. I hate to quote from a movie, but it is at least Jack Nicholson who said to Helen Hunt “You make me want to be a better man.”

~ Doah’sDeer

A damn good fight to clear the air every once in a while is very important.

~ OhMotherMayI

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 15th, 2007 at 10:57 am and is filed under Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.